A YEAR ON...

On November 18th it will be a year since the day I was admitted to hospital and we began the crazy rollercoaster journey we’ve been on since then. 

I spent 4 hours in the scanning machines a few weeks ago to have my quarterly MOT of the brain, spine, liver and lungs.  Everything was really positive.  There was nothing in the brain, nothing in the spine and nothing new or bigger in the lungs or the liver.  Thank the Lord!  Waiting for the results of those scans (a week) is horrific.  It’s quite hard to describe but it’s like the lights being on but no one at home.  It’s very easy to put your body through the normal motions but your mind stays locked in a very dark, cold, solitary and absolutely terrifying room.  The key is to focus on the motions and stay busy and not dwell on the room.

All I could think of were James Laban’s words last time he recommended a spine scan at the start of June‘we need to scan the spine because if the cancer has spread to that, there is no point doing the brain operation’……. in my mind, there is no hope.  I cannot stress how powerful hope is and how negative it is when hope diminishes.  Needless to say, it was an enormous relief that we don’t have to go down that road.

I will have this MOT every three months and whilst I’m sure every time there will be the ghastly fear as to what we might uncover, I am sure the fear will get less and less consuming each time we get a clear set of results.

I still have these pesky little shadows on the liver and lungs but they are too small to biopsy and are not changing anymore which indicates that they are potentially not malignant or may have calcified (meaning old and inactive).  Along with the diet I am trying a range of alternative therapies at the moment, including acupuncture, to try and cleanse my body of these invaders.

The Professor’s Plan is to continue with the immunotherapy until the middle of December and then have some more scans.  If the results are as positive as this recent lot, then we will stop the immunotherapy and see how my body gets on without it, continuing to monitor via scans every three months.  Eeek that’s exciting!

My mind is also going through its own recovery.  I find it very frustrating and quite hard of late to deal with the recent events, everything seems to be going so positively physically, but I still can’t find the equilibrium in my head.  I’m trying to relax in the knowledge that it is going to take time to mentally recover from this ordeal but I find it harder than the physical side because it’s not tangible.  I’m not used to having to work at being happy and content and I’m not very good at understanding or talking about my emotions.  It’s really very exhausting trying to convince yourself and those around you that everything is fine when it’s actually bloody not, it will be, but it’s not yet. 

I’m really looking forward to this Christmas period and think it will be extremely cathartic to see it through and start a New Year afterwards.  Last Christmas was quite a challenge for me and my family and was a bit of a haze to be honest.  It makes me feel very emotional just to think about it so I can’t wait to get another one into the memory tank so I can start thinking of that instead!

My best therapist, my most precious and irreplaceable one, is Rafiki.  I cannot even begin to explain how much joy he’s brought to our house.  He is quite simply the best little doggy (slash Prince) ever.  He is permanently by my side and he has completely, and I quote, “stolen Johnsie’s heart too”.  It’s honestly like he knows he’s been put on this earth for a reason and all that he does (except for when he occasionally pees on the spare bed) is give us more love and companionship than we could ask for from a little pooch.

So a year on, things feel like their turning a corner and finally we can slowly start to get our lives back a bit.  Back on the track we had planned, plus Rafiki – every cloud and all that!  We carry on being amazed by what special and incredible people we have in our lives.  You are the best support that we could ever ask for and have been and still are, so key to us getting through this as best we can.  We love you and thank you.