SIX MONTHS ON

Dearest All,

The last time I penned an update was a year ago after Professor Dalgleish delivered the dreaded news that Terry’s spawn had come back to camp in Sammy’s brain.  Not just anywhere, but in the ventricle fluid.  The most inoperable and untreatable location that it possibly could have deposited its foul, foul self. 

Words are difficult to assimilate on receiving such devastating news. One feels like time slows down and a plethora of adrenalized emotions overcome one. Slowly stabbing, pinching and scratching the most sensitive areas of one's mental and physical being.  I will never forget seeing the utter devastation that this news brought to darling Sammy.  Her crystal blue eyes immediately welled deep with tears and I can still feel her fingers squeezing my hand because one of the questions she had prepared, was to ask the professor when we could start trying for a baby again.

To receive this devastating news only three months after the all clear being given just added to the rollercoaster of heartache this spineless disease inflicts.  After a monumental 18-month war, with numerous hideous and bloody battles along the way, that triumphantly culminated in victory being declared, the all clear flag being raised to full mast, only then be thrown back into the doldrums of despair is utterly unquantifiable.

That news in March marked the armistice of remission being over and the beginning of the second war.  A war that swiftly and devastatingly took Sammy’s life on 3rd September 2017. The months that ran to Sammy’s passing were so hideous to bear witness to that I am not going to go into too much detail.  Watching someone who you love so dearly, suffer in so much pain for so long is sickening and makes you question all manner of everything that is “just” in this society. 

You live every second in fear and helpless despair, it makes your stomach do backflips which culminate in belly flops on every landing.  As a man, I believe we want to protect, correct and fix problems, particularly when it is someone we care about and particularly when you love them with every morsel of your fibre.  With aggressive cancer, there is very limited fixing any spouse or family member can do.  We can all help and support that person but we cannot fix the root of the issue which is causing your loved one such pain and anguish.  The disease and the way it conducts its business is tantamount to torture.   

The “cure” or treatment is brutally upsetting.  It changes that person in how they see themselves, their mentality, physicality and outlook.  All the while you are living this odd existence and as much as you wish yourself positive thoughts and results from the treatment there is that niggling piece of rationale which scares the life out of you!  You know the treatment might not work and what then?  What is plan C?

I do not believe that Sammy ever considered that she would not win this battle, she was determined to the end.  Her fortitude, bravery and resilience was astonishing.  She had beaten Terry before, why couldn't she do it again?  Her stoicism was remarkable and part of me questions whether she was doing it for our protection.  I would be lying if I said that my mind always remained in said positive camp and therefore to talk about my thoughts in this regard, I feel, would be a betrayal.

A lot of my wonderful family and friends ask how I am and how I have been feeling.  What I hope to do going forward is use the blog to pen some thoughts.  I feel that some may interpret this as a cry for help and self-pity.  It is far from this I assure you but I hope this will give an insight into the world of grief for a 34-year-old widower and it may then help you relate to others who one day have to tread this perilous path.  I am also probably using it as a form of processing and catharsis. 

From the outset, both Sammy and I wanted and welcomed you to come on this journey with us and by including you it made the world of difference to us.  We needed your support along the way and you most certainly gave it to us.  By being open about what Sammy was enduring, I believe, enabled people to feel less estranged.  By being pragmatic and honest to the horrors Sammy faced, made it less taboo and allowed people to comprehend what Sammy was up against.

Now Sammy has died I intend to take the same approach and document my next steps and the journey of grief I am embarking on without my darling girl.  I am including you mainly for selfish reasons, because I need your support!  It is a dark and petrifying journey for which I can see no light or end to.  It is however a journey only I can make on my own but with your support I am sure it will be less turbulent.

In my opinion, talking makes the difference and if Sammy’s story and fight helps give others courage or my thoughts one day help one person with their battle with cancer or grief then my writing this is worth it.  What has happened is so utterly hideous that nothing will validate a second of Sammy’s suffering and the pain, sadness and misery of her no longer being here but I have to try and believe that this might resonate with one person, one day and that it might help them on their journey.

As ever, all my love and gratitude.

Johnsie x